The Gift of Anxiety

The Gift of Anxiety

I used to see anxiety as an emotion I needed to control, or better, get rid of. My pervasive anxiety would cause unbearable guilt, for I knew I wasn’t trusting God fully. I would beg Him to remove my anxious feelings and thoughts. I would practice breathing deeply and meditating on His Word. Those practices helped momentarily, but the moment some new challenge appeared (like the knowledge that the bank balance is $2.35 when the mortgage is due) I would lapse back into the guilt-ridden spiral of fear.

Pleading with God to relieve my pain only brought more pain. His stony silence echoed in my fractured thoughts, and I could almost see Him, looking down from His throne, shaking His head in disappointment, arms crossed over His chest. Oh ye of little faith.

One day I was playing with Scooter, my little red horse. I wanted to refine his understanding of how to move sideways. Because of Scooter’s past abuse, he tends to get emotional under pressure. Scooter popped his lips – a signal that foals (baby horses) make when they are begging for mercy. It made me smile, not because I was enjoying his emotional pain but because I knew that by the end of our session, Scooter would know more about my heart for him than he did right now. I knew that I was teaching him to respond appropriately to pressure near his face and hindquarters. I also knew that his understanding was a process, and that I was the one causing the process. For Scooter’s good. I knew that once he understood what I was trying to communicate, he would gain more confidence in me. And in himself.

Suddenly I heard my Abba Father whisper in my heart. Sweet one, that is what I am doing with you. Refining. I want you to process your circumstance through a deep knowledge of My Love. Right now you are popping your lips, like a baby. But you are not a baby. If I simply removed your anxious thoughts, you would never learn to respond appropriately to pressure. You would never learn to walk in My strength, My provision, My Life. You would never be free; and I am committed to your freedom. Only when you are truly free can you walk like who you are. Like who I created you to be. I want you to believe that what I say about you is what is most true about you. I want you to see that I AM Enough.

I had to sit down as His glorious weight of grace broke out through my soul, sealing up those fractured thoughts. My little horse lowered his head and gently placed his face in my arms. Scooter and I just rested. Scooter, resting in me as his source of safety and comfort; me resting in my Abba as my source of safety and comfort.

So I now see anxiety as a gift. It causes me to take captive thoughts that would captivate me; bind my heart with fear. Anxiety lets me know that I am believing, walking in something that is not true. The threat of losing my farm is not about my farm. It’s about my security. And Christ is my security. As long as I seek my security in money, I shall be in bondage to money. Money is not bad – it’s just not Life.

Christ is my Life. And He is more than enough for me.